I remember talking a lot to my mom when I was about 2 or 3. I remember a deep seated jealousy of my brother. I was scared to talk to people I didn’t know.

I want to visit the world. I’m particularly interested in Canada, Mexico, the countries of South America, Japan, Korea, Vietnam, China, New Zealand, and the rest of the United States.

In the future I want to live not in the United States.

Like a friend, I find satisfaction in little moments:

Being able to fall asleep right away, not thinking of bad thoughts for an entire month, a completion of a film in almost 3 weeks, making it to work on time, making someone laugh, receiving an unexpected hug, feeling solid about myself, my life, sitting down and things making sense with you, get togethers with my cousins, feeling the sun shine on my face, listening to music really loud on the freeway, staring into the dark sky, lost in happiness and living.

I’m a Leo/Virgo cusp. There was this one time, someone was reading off my personality off of this big book of astrology, which really breaks it down to where the sun was placed or where the stars were placed. Somehow that alignment determined who I was. I believed it at the moment.

It’s fun to read up on.

Some things ring true though. I try to not let it rule over me.

I don’t really have the patience to be on the computer to write down 30 things but here goes nothin:

1. It seems what I thought I had figured out a couple years ago, has only resurfaced as a cover and has not really been worked on. I’m starting to figure out that it is a constant thing, to be working on.

2. I’ve been afraid to expose myself with writing for fear of someone might read it and scrutinize me for it.

3. My job requires me to work in 12 hour shifts. I hardly get any sleep because of it.

4. I’ve developed a very strong fascination and obsession with Hello Kitty these past months. When I was a kid, I was into Sanrio but not Hello Kitty, probably the other characters like Spotty Dotty, Keroppi, Chococat or Batz Maru but not Hello Kitty. I guess Hello Kitty just stems from my childhood and I’ve been holding onto that part since it reminds me of better times.

5. I’m a pretty quiet person. I’m starting to hate it.

6. There are fragments of things working in my head that have not shared with anyone. They only get as far as thoughts, never manifesting as words or something more tangible.

7. I like sleeping on the “wrong” side of the bed, facing away from the headboard. I guess I sleep on the wrong side cus of a fattie!

8. I’m in possession of orchids that were given to me, a few months ago. It’s the first plant I’ve had where it’s lasted this long.

9. I play Pokemon and still haven’t caught the next 400. I’m still in the process! It’s been almost ten years.

10. I’m really close with my cousins and siblings.

11. My close peeps and I use a word as a sign of affection or when eating a lot of food that’s delicious: “fattie”

12. I think am developing carpal tunnel. I blame weak wrists.

13. I’m afraid I have the biggest heart. Only afraid because of how easily hurt I am.

That’s all for now, I think I will start it again later.

I used to have relapses of violent deaths I go through while driving a car, being in a bus, mostly deaths involving motor vehicles. It sucked.

But that’s not the point, when I was in 8th grade, I had lots of thoughts. I was sad a lot. Just sad about completely everything. It was stupid. Ending a life because of how engulfed in sadness I had been. Psh. Let me tell you,

I found real sadness in someone playing around with my feelings. I found real sadness when I found my grandfather passing. I found real sadness when I found out my father had done horrible things and is on auto now.

I guess pain now does not resort to death. I really like what Keet said about it all, “to exist is to resist.”

I was brought up Catholic. I went to catechisms all the way up to 8th grade. My mother had a group of friends who belong to a rosary prayer group called the Cenale Session or Circle. I’m not sure when this going on. Probably from the 5th grade and continuing to now. This happens every few months, where a Mother Mary statue is passed and about 3 - 4 hour prayer session goes on and her friends start discussing about the gospel of the day, their views on certain things, mostly the apocalypse and abortion. I had to memorize all the prayers and all of it is burnt into my head. My ma still tries to make me go to church on her either on Saturday or on Sunday (if she does not have work)

So there’s a bit of background, I would say religion has been heavily forced upon my life. I feel that since I have been raised Catholic, that I have a lot of guilt for things I do. My ma certainly made me feel that way throughout my childhood. I guess that’s where my guilt and humility stems from.

Around 7th or 8th grade, I felt really troubled by the force of religion. I was tired of that guilt. I used to say dumb things to my ma about how I didn’t believe anymore. I was just being a dumb kid. When in fact, I just lost that spiritual part of myself that I really believed when I was a child.

I guess at some point religion is okay for moral reasoning, when it is good and with good intention reasoning but I feel that would be already common sense.

Now, I feel a lot more spiritual than before. Believing in the randomness of this universe and how it is carefully but randomly perfect to be made up on this planet. It just boggles my mind. I think I look at the stars more often than to a god. Because when I look out there, I really feel like I’m a part of something bigger or I came from something bigger.

Drugs can be an eye opening experience to yourself, to the ones you love. The trick is (that I hear from people) is to achieve that enlightenment that you felt with the use of drugs but without it. I enjoy smoking pot but not as often lately. Funny story, yesterday, I ate a half a 4 dose cookie and threw it up because it felt like I was in a sea. I started getting sea sick and then puked. Gross.

Alcohol, jeez. Every time I drink it’s because it’s social. I find it easily throws my inhibition away. Although it does brings out the bad in me, which I do not like so I  try to veer away from drinking to the point where I can’t see. I sure do love mix drinks though.

- Finished college

- Living somewhere else, a different country

- Making art and having others enjoy it

- Having all that shit that is wrong with me now, fixed.

I’m not very goal oriented or have big fabulous plans. I’m a simple person.